an eve of epiphany

Have you been close to death before?
to realize that all you lived for could be wiped away
that the few second you were in could have been your last?

That heartbeat. that helplessness. that confusion. that realization. that fear.

At that point, you honestly struggle to live
at that point where it isn't a joke anymore
at that point where you could die

At that point, life is real because its moving away from you
quicker than how time slothfully drags it
and you have to try to tighten your grip or choose to let it go

Like any prey of a predator, like any freak accident, like everyone else from old age.
to be at the point where you could finally find out what happens next.
or if anything will happen at all

I have.

Was watching this YouTube about a scuba diver tried to sink to the bottom, just for sport.
it was from a vidcam which he held as he sank.
it was seen from a point-of-view perspective
and it showed how he reached the bottom
got tangled in the sand
and died.

You remember the things you were suppose to do
you regret the things you were suppose to say
you think of the people who matter
because they suddenly don't anymore

When you face death, your face changes a little
it ages a little, solemnise a little, it grows older
you may even say it starts to look like death himself
well, maybe a little

Exhale

"Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start."
- The Scientist


I'm feeling veryyyy... heavy...
tired i guess
discouraged partially tons of work piling up and I've lost all motivation
have i never had it in the first place
theres no will to continue this game
its a pointless unified march
from running to persistent jogging to stray walking to dragging your feet in circles
around a tree hoping for a finish line or a pit stop
and fatigue just caught up again
I'm pulled and stretched and drained
I'm disappointed and frustrated
at myself for not doing as i should not as well as i can
what am i suppose to do
who am i supposedly
where do i go from here
who do i become
mere flesh wounds and blood
and the feeling of mortality
human
I'm frustrated at my own disability
at how blind i am
at how crippled i am
wretched strength of self-reliance
useless

He's really got me this time
hit when i hurt
so take me higher
pray 4 me pls?

"Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I..."
- Fix You

"In a bullet proof vest
With the windows all closed
I'll be doing my best
I'll see you soon
In a telescope lens
And when all you want is friends
I'll see you soon"
-See You Soon

Maan.. listening to Coldplay classics at 2am feels like that seaming hot chocolate (not coffee, mind you... hot chocolate) on a rainy day... warm..
very chicken-soup-for-the-soul... ever read that one?

"Now when you work out where to draw the line
You're guess is as good as mine"
- God put a Smile on Your Face

speaking of coffee... i am going to officially try to cut down on my caffeine intake... everything caffeine... so if you see me taking something significantly caffeinated, shout: "HANSEL, YOU"RE TAKING SOMETHING SIGNIFICANTLY CAFFEINATED!!!"

You know what i hate?
bad first impressions
perceptions, misconceptions
did you know?
you dont evaluate a person at the time she smiles at you or by the first 5 words he says
by the first 12 second of you noticing the person, youve already decided whether you like the person or not.
ridiculous.
so what if i look stuck up or proud or shy or arrogant?
is that who i am? do you know me?
i have so many people telling me, "hey you know, last time i really though you were so cocky. never talk to anyone some more..."
and we'll laugh about it coz the only reason they can tell me that is coz im not
dont judge a freaking durian by its spikes man... frustrating.
try looking past everyone physically and find out each person for who he is
despite obesity despite ugliness despite thatirritatinghabit despite faceproblems
if you cant, find one good thing about him and focus all you can on it
then maybe you get a glimpse of how Jesus sees each and every one of us.
(note: lol.. im not refering to myself evrytime i use 'him' k? i mean generally everyone 'him'.. its just coz if i use 'her', you might get the wrong idea, get it? haha...)


"What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong"
- What If?

Stumbled on these few links, you might find interesting... hehe..

1) the national blogroll?

I got mine signed up, go check it out...haha..

they even have blog (popularity) levels..

2) this girl from SG started a clothes/assesories line
named after me... wohoo!!

JK la, i duno her... its named after her dog, apparently...

"Oh, what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see"
-Swallowed in the Sea

Remember that one? i made a video of that song while in CIMP... still very proud of it, haha..
try to upload into blogger/youtube someday...
yup, thats the end of my (emo?) post...

"Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all... "
- Yellow :)